I have to say, I don't understand how people with depressive tendencies who don't have music as their lifeblood even survive. I suppose everyone has their thing though. It's just that for me Bad Religion was the thing that kept me from wanting to be dead for most of this afternoon. I originally turned it on as a defense mechanism against the horrifically loud people surrounding me at the library and keeping me from getting my assignment done. But eventually it turned my feeling of futility into one of... well, hope would be too strong, but maybe possibility is the right word. Survival seemed like an option. A pretty good one for that matter.

Sometimes I wish I could become the music, in an even more intense way than singing or dancing to it. The instruments I play aren't really conducive to rocking out, at least not on their own. I guess that is why I am taking up guitar. Singing and playing and moving at the same time might together measure up to some reasonable shadow of the feeling of absolute immersion that I am craving here. If ever I get to be good enough to play a reasonable shadow of the music I love.

Sometimes I just want to get a can of spray paint and cover this city from top to bottom in the lyrics of the songs that are keeping me alive right now. If I were Batman, the Prudential and Hancock towers, the buildings of the financial district, the streets of the Fenway, and the subway cars of all the lines would be covered in the words to "All There Is", "Epiphany", "The Defense", "The Empire Strikes First" and "Beyond Electric Dreams" by tomorrow. I would be the most useless superhero ever.

I've made up a list of my life's soundtrack. It's a good thing to do I think.