It's been so long since I've felt the energy flowing through me that I've almost forgotten what it's like. Sure, I've found the energy to make it through each day, to have fun, even, but what's missing is the amount (or intensity) of energy that makes it flow over the edge in a waterfall of shivers or internal warmth when I hear a song, or see a friend's smile. I go through the motions of appreciating everything, all the little moments when I would normally get that feeling, but the riverbed has been dry, and all I can find are the rocks over which rapids used to bubble.

But tonight I put Process of Belief in my cd player and felt the energy begin to rise in my veins, like a tree coming to life again in the spring, drinking the water from the soil and feeling it slowly rise to the very ends of the branches, to the little buds which will soon sprout and flower. I hope it's a sign that this semester will be better, and that I'll be able to experience it as fully as ever. I don't care if the temperature outside is below zero. For me, it's springtime.

I've always envied those people who can always say something witty or funny or even just randomly amusing, whose remarks can break tensions and send smiles all around a room. I can always be serious and listen to people and sympathize with their problems, but in the end I just end up dwelling with them in their pit instead of reaching a hand down to help them out. Smiling? Laughter? No, they're not the same as solving problems, but they're a step up from melancholy, from apathy, from that sort of dead feeling that so many of us encounter at one point or another. It just means so much, when the people I care about are all smiling or laughing, and I wish I could make it happen more often. Some people can do it with a word. We're all so alive in those moments. It's magical I say.

There was a time when you could make me laugh at will ... you can do it still.

earlier -- later